Saturday, March 12, 2011

Unplugged with Lauryn: A Beautiful Mess

Oddly enough I've been meaning to make this post for several days now but I hadn't. Thoughts have been swimming and intertwining so I can create this prose of random sense.  For the past 2 weeks, I kept having this feeling of being stuck in a rut.  You, might say the year just started and I would agree.  But I'm glad now since I've come on the other side, that all that has happened in the past two weeks did happen.  It needed to happen, so that I'd make a move.  Which, I found it totally encouraging that in church Sunday, my granddad was talking about what of course: Being stuck in a rut! And I was amazed, cause I knew I'd been feeling that way.  So, the first time this mood overtook me I pulled out Lauryn Hill's Unplugged album. And at the stage I'm in now, the lyrics were received new.  That trapped feeling of people not wanting you to just be you. Being expected to be on at all times and I just refuse to. I want to smile cause I want to, look sneaky even if I want to and not have to explain why. And I don't. lol. It actually put a spin on my perspective. Reminding me that I, like many other people, make things important that are not. But when I came out of that moment, I realized the cycle I had created for myself without knowing it.  The defeatist attitude, that half-caring attitude and that wasn't good.  I was just doing without love, without purpose and definitely without passion and I don't want to. I prefer to be one whose proactive instead of reactive.  So, I have to make a conscious effort to do so. This week, I took a day off.  Not because I was ill, thankfully.  But because I was mentally tired. Just drained. Thinking all the time about something or another.  And that day, I wanted to completely be free of my routine and therefore I did.  I went to the gym and had a laugh at myself... and laid down for most of the day.  Not sleeping, just laying. Praying, having a miniature consultation with God.  The clarity of the mess I'd made with myself was just slapping me in the face.  I didn't waste my day placing blame, but allowing it to be what it was. Truth. So, it refreshed me. It's done something to my meditation, my dealings with people, my dealings with myself and that's grand. Of course I've had some interruptions in my thinking process on my journey to being better even after this moment.  But, the thing now is to take some time out to be selfish, to just enjoy, to just love, to nourish and to be. To be kind, but truthful to myself.

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