Wednesday, February 9, 2011

JumpRope Memoirs: Self- Esteem Dream


So... my thoughts have been inundated with self-appreciation at all levels.  The concept that regardless of size I have to make the best effort to treat myself well. The Evolution of Me project that I'm allowing to totally transform my life now is out of love for myself.  It's hard.  I won't even lie about that.  It's hard knowing that I'm going to fail often before I succeed. It's hard knowing that some people expect me to have a low view of myself because of weight. But I don't. A low self-esteem even. But I don't.  I don't however like when other people try to make me feel bad about it though. That's annoying. Some even assume I'm not taking care of myself because I'm fresh to death on that "heavy status".  Insert eye roll here. I work out hard, heavy, and intensely when I do. Because I want it to count. I've even *crossing my fingers* got a handle on mindless munching.  It's beyond irritating when some men think I should be glad that they are paying me attention.  Heck, he should be glad I was actually present in the moment, to notice he was paying me attention. But that could be a rant for another day and time.

Funny thing today I feel like I could be a writer. I'm not though. Just like I can sing, but I'm not a performer. I love to play with words, to put them together and make a coherent written thought. Even if it's vague.

For this week, for yoga I've just been practicing breathing.  Being conscious of the breath.  Meditating for a few moments in the morning.

Workouts: I almost didn't work out yesterday. Not because I was tired. Not because I was sore. My workout partner didn't want to.  But I did workout. I worked out because a friend from the summer morning crew was there to put me on blast. It just reminded me that I do it for me. If I had missed, I'd feel bad today knowing that school is dismissing early for a snow day and I may not get a chance to go to the gym.  I even want to go today because we're doing punches lol. My lesson in that: I can only expect me to go and work. Because my partner may decide she doesn't want to at all. I can't use that as an excuse to derail myself.

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