Thursday, December 30, 2010

Random #4: mama's girl, acceptance, and other things

sometimes family will deter your dreams. or they will push you harder to achieve them.

I'm sure some of you have already come to this grand conclusion. But I realized this during my time off. After visiting my family and just observing what was happening, I was amazed by how removed I was from it all. Disturbed as well. I am iffy on the family bonding thing. Why? If it messes with my flow, I can't be a part of it. Which probably upsets everyone else.  I realized during a visit it was messing with my thinking, messing with the peace I was trying to achieve.  Knowing that I was in a place of not wanting to talk even during the holidays, being around people wasn't really a good thing.  I have a knack for saying things that lead to troublesome consequences. This Christmas holiday was no different. Except this time it led to some confrontation with my mom, which led to her throwing negatives vibes on me. I love my mom. I really do and after I shed my tears and wiped my face I had a moment of clarity:  I have to accept people wherever they are in their lives.

For one, where I am in my life has no direct bearing on what someone else is doing. I just get annoyed with others trying to press their issues on me. I can't deal, because I don't have to or want to.  I stress myself out enough without help.  What does all this have to do with family and dreams, goals etc.  let's see:  Usually a confrontation with my mom is going to end somewhere with these types of phrases: You're selfish. If you don't benefit from it, you can't be bothered. You're priorities are in the wrong place.  You act like you can't miss going to the gym. Now being that I'm close to my mom and have felt for the longest time she's all I have in the world, after God, these comments would always leave me confused and feeling horrible. Why? Because, I was internalizing all that negative bs. Thinking that everyone saw me that way because my mama saw me that way.  Through growth i know it hurt me because it came from my mama. My daddy wouldn't talk to me that way and my siblings are as supportive as the place they are in their own lives allows them to be.

But I think a switch clicked or something because I began to flip these phrases in my head as I began to see, my mama loves me dearly, but she's in a different place than I am right now. Where she is has her in that type of mind frame and where I am isn't there. I have been a complainer, a negative inflicter in the past, but I'm not there anymore and refuse to let other people take me there.  Am I completely over getting into with my mom, yes lol. Why waste time fretting over it? it's already happened. Was everything said that needed to be said. Apparently so.

It served it's purpose. My eyes are wide open.

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