Today...

Today has been easy flowing like yesterday.  Two a day work outs. I'll be out looking for a planner again in about 20 minutes.  But nothing pressing about the day. And I'm grateful for this kind of flow.  Having things I could do, but not feeling pressured at all to do them.  I'll be back to work in January, back in school in January, but I'm living now in this moment. Smiling on the inside even as I type this post.  The day has just been good.

Probably Better...

Often enough I have post ideas, but I wonder how much of me should I expose here in my virtual space. Some days I don't care, just want to present my authentic self. 

Lately, I'm spinning my wheels with several different blog topics.  One being how I'm wearing my hair for the winter.  How it's different for me.  How antsy I've been and how comfortable it is now. I'm wearing kinky twists and I like them more than I thought I might.  I want to hit some financial stuff as well as touch on my journey to fit me :) and how the thought process changes as I've been going along.  Funny that as plump as I've always been, I've for the majority of my life have been just as outspoken.  So, I don't appreciate the assumption that being smaller will in someway make me better. To me anyone who comes to think differently, will do differently regardless of size.  As you grow some ways of doing things no longer work so it's good for me to leave them be. Same with people. Sometimes you have to separate yourself when you realize that where you're going, they are not.  Not that they are bad people, but you're different not in a good way.

Probably better that I got this out now in the moment...

Have a great day divas and gents!

Today I...

Today I woke up in a storm of emotions. Serious gray clouds swarming. I wanted to just lay in the bed for a little while and just look at the ceiling.  This holiday season has brought with it a bit of seasonal depression.  A bit of lonliness as well as just this need to clear the clutter in my life.  Much of that inner.  Just letting go of what I've began to perceive as correct or incorrect behavior for myself.
Yet, even as I wanted to lay in bed this morning, I couldn't.  Because I'm a teacher and there were small faces waiting to see me.  Even though part of my angst this morning was the fact that nothing has been working with getting them to talk during the right times and not all the time.  I admit I had to be that funky teacher today. But I needed it to be different.

I prayed this morning and then sought out my prayer circle/ my sister circle.  Didn't have one til this morning. I was definitely in the throws of a complete and utter funk meltdown. I didn't like that by any means.  But the love that God allowed to flow back to me this morning was amazing. And I've just been thanking him since then. Even one of my coworkers did whole group with my kids this morning.  (I'm getting misty-eyed again).  But whew I needed the prayers, I needed the tears, I needed someone to understand this morning, I needed someone to let me vent, and I was granted all of that. 
I'm grateful
and blessed beyond measure.

The Break... Tha Joy of Giving Thanks... Next Steps

So, last week I was off for the week from teaching. I love paid vacation included time :) However I spent the whole week with my family either in Louisiana or Georgia and it was great. But I had a cooking experience that was fun for me. I made stuffed bell peppers for the first time.
Voila!

Made six in all.  Actually turned out great for a first time!
That was part of my pre- thanksgiving contribution to the family.

Now in the art of giving thanks, I've been feeling lately like my relationship with God could be so much better than it is.  That I could go the extra mile and just give my all. It'll be a struggle I'm sure. As, self- reflection and meditation always brings change when you have to get that clear look into your own actions and address them.  So, since I get up early aside from walking in the mornings with my walking buddy, I'm in the process of getting my mind ready for morning prayer time.

Also, over the break I did get some Christmas shopping done and a little self shopping as well.  I made a splurge purchase for these babies:

My Vibram Five Fingers- Bikila style

The first day was weird being connected to the ground in such a way.  The second day I was in love a little :). Going to try them out for an evening or morning walk and report back. As I am getting more into my own fitness I'm starting to play around with the idea of doing my first 5K race.  So, Next Steps with that has me researching races to see how much time I would have to train to do it.  I'm excited about that.

Thanksgiving Week Wrap Up Word: Awesome.

SOCSunday: Financial Diva... Please

www.allthingsfadra.com

Interesting thing happened today when I was talking to my lovely cousin... I had an aha moment or a moment of clarity if you will.  Her statement : I can't wait for this year to end.  Now what about that would give me an aha was the fact that my mother said the same thing a few weeks ago.  it made me realize literally that it wasn't just me having a rough year.  I've had some great months mind you, but spiritually and financially I feel like I've been lacking and lagging all year.  It's like there is always something pressing or making me feel as though I'm not giving enough of me to the Lord and then financially one of my goals is to become financially savvy.  Trust me when I say I am nowhere near that. Not yet this year.  And I started thinking today about something I'd like to call Next Steps.  So, instead of thinking of the whole all at once, thinking in terms what I can do next.  Example: I set up a savings account with automatic drafts, what can I do next? ---- I get up early in the morning( initially to meditate: fell off), what can I do next?  This was longer than five minutes by a few seconds... but hey...

***

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at Allthingsfadra.com
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

SOCSunday: Procrastination

www.allthingsfadra.com

Undoubtedly I should be asleep right now.  It's 2:49 a.m. But I'm not alas and I'm excited to actually be posting. Right now I'm in the stages of deciding whether to completely move to blogger or stay with wordpress.com.  I'm unsure as of yet.  (Post can be found at both places: fluffyflyydiva.wordpress.com and fluffyflyydiva.blogspot.com - what do you think?)

Anyway, I'm bad about self-sabotage.  My nemesis is procrastination. I will wait to there is almost no last minute.  Whether it's planning meals, or waiting until after it's time to close my mailbox to forward incoming mail, or still not having written the first line on my doctorate school application.  I have a getting started defect apparently.  I have students test in my bag that I need to grade.  I've been meaning to do my "weekly" mask now for two weeks. Good thing, I have it on right now.  Has to stay on five minutes. Lucky.

So, today, I've decided to grade the papers, and start the application. I'm sure the advisor is wondering what my issue is... Well, he can join the club, I wonder too sometimes.

***

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at http://allthingsfadra.com/ .
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Inevitable

Recently I've been having a battle of the minds type ordeal. Balancing the negative with the positive. Balancing others opinions and just taking steps to make the right choices.  It's hard and I know somewhat unrealistic to expect people to be in the same place in their lives as I am, when they are not.  Yet, i'm seeking that now. I don't want negative vibes, hidden agendas stopping my flow. Things that lead to second guessing, self imposed regression to not being the woman I want to be.

Hard choices have to be made, people have to be let go. Things have to be let go. Not because they are bad people, not even because they've done me wrong.  Our energy just doesn't match.  I'm a realist and a dreamer. Yeah... how does that work. lol. I like seeing potential. I like seeing people chase and conquer their dreams, but I also pay attention to the things that happen that counteract those and I don't try to act like I don't.  How else can we deal with ourselves if we deny truth.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm posting something. I have several random posts running in my head.  However none of them seem to be making it to my blog.  In due time.

Thinking I might

Thinking I might switch from wordpress back to blogger

Thinking I might

Thinking I might switch from wordpress back to blogger

SOCSunday: Direction

Hello good people! Now aside from the fact that I'm already bad about updating due to the sometimes hectic-ness of life, I came on today not really sure what I wanted to blog about. Wanting to however talk about some of everything. That's how I am anyway, here there and everywhere with my excitement for stuff. So, I'm thinking about dabbling in the areas of nails, my hair, weight-loss, getting healthy, my growth as a person, teaching, good reads, good music, education. I love it. So, many different aspects of it. Even trying to further my own. But first I guess I have to show up and write. Right now however I'm not feeling the look of my blog, so I need to play around with that first. Then maybe I'll be excited about showing up. Nothing heavy, at least once a week.

***

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post at allthingsfadra.com
Visit fellow bloggers and show some love.

Something I know... :)

I am not the best at keeping my blog up to date... :)

SOC: Fillings

 

 

 

 

 



 

Just getting down to it: Friday the last filling I'd had done by Dr. J Boles came out, crumbled, while I was eating. Like all of the ones she'd done.  It came out, broke or something. I think about the fact that I spent $800.00 back in 2008 and I with this one will have either had the filling replaced or the tooth itself pulled that she did "such great work" on.  I don't think it would be that bad if I didn't have the feeling of double paying for problems she claimed that she fixed.  So, what it took the sum of 3 years.  It's been a tooth here, a tooth there :) literally.  So, after starting my dental processes in April or May of this year... I've been a regualar at this dentist.  Wasn't supposed to go back until December.  Well, Surprise Dr. Tucker! :) I'm on my way.

***

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.


• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.


• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.


• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.


• Link up your post below.


• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Distracted Driving

I know some people say driving clears their head... well it must clear mine too much...

The past two days... I've swerved on to the curb caught up in something else.  This morning it happened on my way to work. I was going for lotion out of my purse and I don't know why I must have thought I was parked because I clearly took my hands off the wheel.  Thankfully, God takes care of fools too, because I didn't bang anything up nor did I blow out a tire! Rubbed up against the tire though.  Little wear and tear.

No texting and driving.  Better yet, no cellphone looking and driving. It'll have to wait until I'm parked. The phone I have now is just too large for all that jazz.

I did realize however I'd been doing a lot of scenario and play it out type thinking while I've been in the car-- plainly daydreaming.  And while that's cool, I was so unaware in between stop lights, because I was so into my own head.

So, my lesson... I can multi-task, just not while I'm driving.

SOC Sunday: Make Me Over

 

Tonight I've been just over hyped, over thinking so many things. The things that will make me into the woman I visualize myself to be in my head. And I get nervous about the changes about direction even taking the steps to write it down and what it will mean for me. Because I've tried and failed and I'm scared I'll continue to fail at weight loss and just being healthy, at being a great teacher, at deciding to loc my hair, at becoming my own spiritual powerhouse, being a financially savvy diva, at just having good energy. It's crazy because I need to just do it. Like Nike said. But getting started is the hard part.

The starting and staying steady is even harder. But it can be done. Can't it?

Errr... time.

******

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.


• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.


• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.


• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.


• Link up your post below.


• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

 

Weekly Post-Topic #239

Never mind the fact that I haven't done a post of the week for the Wordpress challenge in months.... but on with it:

(In no particular order) Write a top ten list of your favorite songs:

1.Wherever you Are- Terry Ellis

2. Hate On Me - Jill Scott

3. Glad You Called- Anthony Hamilton

4. Beautiful Day- India Arie

5. He Loves Me - Jill Scott

6. Your Love is - Calvin Richardson

7. Swing Your Rag- T.I.

8. Rain On Us- Ernest Pugh

9. Everything - Tye Tribbett

10. Crazy- K-Ci & Jo-Jo

------ EXTRA Woman in Me- Shania Twain

This was hard trying to mentally review the old and the current. The fact that I love music in many genres I could probably do a list for several of those... but this will do.

Burning the midnight oil...

I have this bad when school is back in session.  The first few weeks always appear to be a chaotic imbalance between productivity and being wasteful with my time.  Whenever school starts back there's a mixture of excitement, nervousness and being overwhelmed that creeps over me. I'm excited about the new challenges I'll be faced with as a teacher, but also nervous about the group as well: how we'll mesh, how I'm going to teach them.  And feeling overwhelmed because with a new school year comes also a lot of demands on my time.  At work and at home.  Because work runs over into home in the beginning.  There's just so much to get together for class, for the parents, for the students, for roles,etc.  And it becomes a question of what time do I shut off?  What time do I stop so I can actually rest?  Because I know I'm going to get up early, like 5:30 a.m. or before early because I'm trying to maximize my morning time into things of enjoyment that I rarely get to do after work and the gym...

So, this leads me to going back to something I used to do that worked really well. I used to have a productivity hour in the evening.  I'd write on my white board what I was going to do, set my timer and get at it.  Why? Well for starters it keeps me on task. Also, i know that when that timer dings... I need to wrap it up and go on to the something else. Usually getting ready for bed,the next day, reading.  So, I must take that back on this week.  Because I am not trying to get burned out or overly frustrated before I even get started with class.  I know I have a challenge ahead of me... but here's to mindfulness, productivity and health.

How do you keep yourself from burning the midnight oil constantly?

Love Always, Routine

My Dearest Self, I know you seemingly think that by switching things up that you no longer have a connection with me, that you are no longer susceptible to the charms that I somehow add to your life. But if you really believed that you wouldn't be writing this post.

Love Always, Routine.

This week marked the end of my summer break.  It's time to go back to the grind. To my working life. I'm a teacher. I teacher Kindergarten children from August to May with joy and gladness.  But my break this time just seemed so short.  I did so much.  But it felt absolutely divine not having to be anywhere unless I so chose to.  And therein lies my dilemma now.  I've been trying to establish a routine.  Yes! And even that is a dilemma. Why? Well, I've unprogrammed that go to bed early get up early go to work, go to the gym, go home and cycle it bug.  Now, I'm so caught up in enjoying, that that just doesn't fit me anymore.  But it's almost like when August hit, my mind began to immediately seek that way of doing things.  It hasn't worked.  I've been staying up late reading, creating, shuffling, etc and getting up early and then groaning my way into wakefulness.  I envision how I want my mornings to jumpstart and how I want my day to go, but putting it into practice without getting stuck in a routine keeps me on pause.

So, what do you do to have order but not be confined to that order?

 

Movement: A Necessity

Background: Eric Benet: Lost in Time/ Track: Something's Wrong

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="350" caption="Move Around"][/caption]

Newness: So, I've been disconnected for a while.  Felt good. Felt needed. But now I'm back and I'm ready. Lol.

So much spinning around in my mind. I've been inspired by this post : Gone Manifesting by Kim Jackson  I have several things I want to manifest. But I want to focus on one thing at a time.. or something like that lol. I know me. Sometimes I do the most.

Teaching: Summer is almost over for me as a teacher. That in itself brings excitement and a small ounce of trepidation.  It's always a learning experience working with children. But I'm excited about the growth that I know is going to take place. I know there will be some stress too. I'm not even going to psyche myself up like it isn't.  My goal is to have my classroom ready by next Tuesday. I'll even post pictures.  And being back amongst my coworkers isn't how I had initially fretted

it might be in my head. It's a mixture of watchfulness, excitement and ok keep it moving on my part. So, I'm good.

Dating:..errr lol

Healthiness: Still going strong at the gym! Food however has been a struggle. But I'm mindful of this. I do so much better when I prepare my food at home.  I have a blender I have yet to use. But I so want to get some  recipes and get that sucker going.  I'm intrigued by the Pescetarian lifestyle.  And plan on taking a gander at this real soon. When I do, I'll be sure to report any differences/benefits. My weight-the number has been fluctuating but mostly staying the same.  So, yeah I need to shake that up.  I've shifted to losing and toning.  Because I want to lose but I don't want to be all sagging flesh as I'm losing. Umm no, that would be a negative.

Travel: I've been on the move... and I love it! Georgia and Texas... and soon Texas again have been my spots for July.  Which amazingly I wrote in January on 31 Day Reset that that was a goal of mine. To get out and go and I'm trying to get my finances in order so I can do more of that.

[caption id="attachment_319" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Georgia"][/caption]

Hair: I've added Design Essentials into my hair product miniature arsenal. I've been twisting with SheaMoisture deep treatment masque.  Tried it with TCB setting lotion and then the DE oil... love  the results. Moisturized, shiny, touchable, moving hair. What I've noticed: As my hair gets longer, I get my shrinkage after a wash and my smaller twists are starting to leaving me little knots. I'm not feeling that latter part at all.  But I'll figure it out.

Mindfulness: I realized this week I was losing some of my go juice lol. But today I think I tapped into it and I'm glad I did. I sometimes loathe being stuck in a rut, but I've learned that I have to be still and just figure out how I got there, why I'm there and what it's going to take to get from there.  Growth is Beautiful.

Flow

Life was momentarily halted at the end of May for me with the death of a friend, the loss of an acquaintanceship staging itself as a friendship and then going through the dreaded coworkers stirring your name through any mud they can find to put you in.  It's hard losing people. It's hard losing friends. Especially when it's unexpected. But people serve different purposes in our lives and when it's done, it's done. Such as it were, I had to deal with that, and then move on.

I am not what people say about me. To the degree that however they feel about me or my actions is completely accurate, because it's not. An opinion is an opinion, we ourselves give truths to those things.  I get upset when people lie on me and try to disguise their intent. But then I had to be upset with me, for ignoring all the signs that were there. But it taught me that I'm lacking with my own Spirit of discernment. That I have to separate the areas of my life. It's not to say I can't have dual relationships. But I'll be very cautious with that from now on.

Also, for anyone whose grieved before, everyone grieves differently. So, think about it twice before you try to tell someone how they should when you don't know how they cope with loss or what loss means for them.  At my church convention last week, the topic of compassion was brought up several times and I'm just so aware of things now, that I think I didn't pay attention to before. Things that I just didn't address or take in to account when dealing with other people.

But I needed that week away from my regular routine. So, that I could unearth my own possibilities and the courage to create a new routine, reinvent myself and just go with the flow. I control only me.

Words...

There is so much power in words.

They uplift, they destroy, they give, they take away, they rebuild, their tear down... Life and death... in the tongue.

And while this posts brings to you nothing new. it's occupying my head space and I want to spread it out to yours.

Weekly Photo Challenge:Red

State of Mind :)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="lifepassiontribe.net"][/caption]

I'm in an excitable state right now lol... And I'm not doing anymore than I normally do but today I'm flowing lol... Got a sorority meeting at 2:00 o'clock. I definitely need to take this energy with me there. But I'm in tune with calm joy right now. I did week 6 day 2 run today and it was good. I needed to do it.  Two 10 minute runs. I ran errands and some times focusing on the clock made my nerves frazzled, and I wasn't in a rush. Exchanged convos with my besties and laughed with one when I did a prayer via text: Please don't let me be a harlot today. The latter probably from some left over juice from watching Jumping the Broom. Which I thought was a really good movie. The cast was great. The story line was wonderful.  My favorites were Romeo Miller, Tasha Smith and Mike Epps.  but that's not what this post is about in particular.   It's about my eyes being opened today, to just enjoying moments.  Relishing in my inner thoughts, laughing about them or expounding on them.

I've decided to challenge myself to 84 days of exercise and realistically only 70 of those will be of better eating choices. Because I have to figure it out. I have to make it work.  That challenge alone stems from the 3 things at least: I have a convention challenge to meet with my brother, a man who wants me even though he shouldn't challenged me to some weight down by the end of summer.  And 3 the biggest motivator, inspiration for myself is just that I want to look like I've lost weight even to myself when I return to work. I want to know that I set out with the intention every workout to make it count. But I also want to focus on bringing health more in to view for me mentally, physically and spiritually.  So, I'm even contemplating taking time off from people this summer lol. Because sometimes you just have to. That external noise can be so consuming.

So, what's your state of mind today?

What's in a name?

Crystal....


Topic #119:

What is the story behind your given name?
My mom liked it.

Lol. I thought there was more to it but that was it.

Small challenges of conversation

There is a steady trend lately I've noticed in my conversations and observations with other people. Sometimes I



don't hear what they say to me, when it clashes with my own beliefs and values or my internal alarms. I became acutely aware of this Tuesday night when a girlfriend and I were out eating at McAlisters and we met two seasoned ladies.  Now the time had with them was great, I left feeling rested. Surprisingly.  But they were female ministers and pastors.  And just from my own beliefs about that particular issue whenever they would say something about it, my internal noise would drown them out.  Shameful, I know. But I've noticed it in reading blog posts by other people and talking to some of my friends about differentiating views or things that I "see" in other ways.  So, being aware of it, I need to work on it.  I expect people to value different things, to have their own way of life, and just because it clashes with mine doesn't necessarily mean I have to give them a mental side-eye. It just means that we're different in some ways and that in itself is part of the spice of life.

Accept it

Where do you find acceptance?
For your ideas? For the secret notions you have for who you really want to be? Or think you are? Who are the friends, family or co-workers who are most accepting of your true self? And how do they demonstrate their acceptance? What is different about how they treat you than other people?

I have a small circle of friends that I go to to bounce my ideas off of. As well as a select few of my family members. They show their acceptance by adding their input and talking me through whatever I mention to them.They are realistic with me. If I come to them with something that I haven't thought through they let me know and if it's something good, they push me.

That girl likes to plateau...

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="533" caption="www.awildride.net"][/caption]

I feel like him today. This whole week, the past two weeks even. I've been kinda floating. I'm all the way live until about 6 p.m. and then I want my bed. My training, my eating, my hobbies, my sorority life, er-thang seems to be taking a backseat to one thing, one daunting reality: I'm tired lol.

Updates:

Writing: I did actually finish my poetry for the collaboration with my friend in February by the set deadline. I just didn't update here.

Yoga: More misses than hits lately. I haven't made it a habit. I've been getting up late every morning and just aimlessly soaking in the morning before I rush around for no other reason than to do so.

Meditation: I'm lazy but definitely needing to practice holding my thoughts under my captivity

Workouts: I'm getting in 5, 6 at the most now-a-days. Down 14 lbs. No meal planning has been in effect and I know that isn't going to last.

Financials: I'm still learning.

Post A Week 2011: I've missed two weeks. With no other reason than being preoccupied with something else.

Hair: I've started using KeraCare Naturals line and I like it. I still have my SheaMoisture products on the ready. lol And today is definitely feeling like a hair day.

Jump Rope Memoirs: Finding My Stride

So, I'm down 10 lbs!

Amazing things happening.  This past week, I did something I've been wanting to do, but haven't: workout 6 days a week and track my eating on Sparkpeople.  And I did!  For the past two weeks, I've just been conscious.  Conscious of the work I'm putting in, and what I've fueling my body with.  It's made such a difference.  So, this is really just an update.  I start week three of the C25K program today.  In my heart I'm a runner lol.  In actuality, I'm barely jogging. But, it's good. I'm going to get there.  So achieving that birthday 10, definitely sparked something in me. Makes me feel "empowered".  So, that's where I am now.  I also, check on NowLoss regularly, for tidbits of information and I stay HERE as often as I can, because the website owner is such an inspiration to me to keep moving. I'm adding two new goals: actively doing yoga and getting up to 3 minutes worth of jump roping. I can do a minute here and there, but 3 minutes straight just hasn't worked for me yet.  Also, on the yoga, I'm still intrigued by it and surprisingly I can do some of the poses better now, but if I actively did it. I know I could do it better.

PostAWeek2011: Topic #75

What’s the biggest lesson you learned so far this year?

I've really learned this year that just because you're trying to grow, doesn't mean that others in your circle are. That's okay too, but you have to individually decide to press on and move forward on your path.  So, if it means letting emotions go, feelings, etc. Anything at all. Then you must.  If that means letting people go.  Then you must.  If it means letting yourself go insane for a little while so you can get it together. Then you must.

Time change... missed post a week 2011... ummm... that's it.

So, I'm still adjusting to the time change. I've been tired since Monday of last week.  Normally, I adjust better than this. But this time it's been kicking my tail.  Aiming for a 10:00 bed time in hopes that that might help.

I didn't post anything at all last week.  I hadn't even been enthused enough to keep up with blogs that I'm subscribed to.  Just been tired. So, well, I've been sleeping lol.  A JumpRope memoirs post coming soon.

Unplugged with Lauryn: A Beautiful Mess

Oddly enough I've been meaning to make this post for several days now but I hadn't. Thoughts have been swimming and intertwining so I can create this prose of random sense.  For the past 2 weeks, I kept having this feeling of being stuck in a rut.  You, might say the year just started and I would agree.  But I'm glad now since I've come on the other side, that all that has happened in the past two weeks did happen.  It needed to happen, so that I'd make a move.  Which, I found it totally encouraging that in church Sunday, my granddad was talking about what of course: Being stuck in a rut! And I was amazed, cause I knew I'd been feeling that way.  So, the first time this mood overtook me I pulled out Lauryn Hill's Unplugged album. And at the stage I'm in now, the lyrics were received new.  That trapped feeling of people not wanting you to just be you. Being expected to be on at all times and I just refuse to. I want to smile cause I want to, look sneaky even if I want to and not have to explain why. And I don't. lol. It actually put a spin on my perspective. Reminding me that I, like many other people, make things important that are not. But when I came out of that moment, I realized the cycle I had created for myself without knowing it.  The defeatist attitude, that half-caring attitude and that wasn't good.  I was just doing without love, without purpose and definitely without passion and I don't want to. I prefer to be one whose proactive instead of reactive.  So, I have to make a conscious effort to do so. This week, I took a day off.  Not because I was ill, thankfully.  But because I was mentally tired. Just drained. Thinking all the time about something or another.  And that day, I wanted to completely be free of my routine and therefore I did.  I went to the gym and had a laugh at myself... and laid down for most of the day.  Not sleeping, just laying. Praying, having a miniature consultation with God.  The clarity of the mess I'd made with myself was just slapping me in the face.  I didn't waste my day placing blame, but allowing it to be what it was. Truth. So, it refreshed me. It's done something to my meditation, my dealings with people, my dealings with myself and that's grand. Of course I've had some interruptions in my thinking process on my journey to being better even after this moment.  But, the thing now is to take some time out to be selfish, to just enjoy, to just love, to nourish and to be. To be kind, but truthful to myself.

Post A Week 2011: Topic #68

Name a book that changed your life. What influence did it have on your thoughts, attitudes, and actions?

I read often. I read for the appeal of the story.  Hmm, did this change my life?... I would say so based on the fact that I've returned to read it several times just to remind myself to keep going and to get the free flowing feeling. This is a book I like to read when I'm in a transition period; changing from one thing to something new or just feeling new, trying to establish new habits, routines or goals.  This book inspires me to dream bigger for myself, to not settle in any aspect of my life and try new things.  I usually go into an all out home cleansing phase when I read this book too.  Aside from the evolving love story, it hits on growth, stepping out on faith, being afraid, roadblocks we encounter when trying to better ourselves, the excitement of new relationships and the problems that come with it too. And I love it for that.

Post a Week: Start Over

Start Over

Source

The post topics for this week are not my faves. So, I'm going to use the topic from Here.  The seduction of starting over hits me ever so often.  I begin to feel stuck and trapped by monotony.  Last summer while out on break, I was contemplating moving to a new city. Not that I was ready to move, but the idea of starting over and meeting new people, experiencing new places and things was exciting.

The question:Is it time for you to start over in some way? If so, what’s the first step you can take today? And I think it is time for me to start over in some way, I just haven't figured out exactly what that thing is just yet. So, maybe that could be it lol, being more self aware. I have several areas of my life I could use an overhaul or jump start on. So, my first step to take tonight will be to make a sticky note lol, so I can make a list of those things tomorrow.

Reset Day 31:Choose a Theme for 2011

Exercise: The final assignment for the challenge is to really look to the year ahead and think about what big picture theme you want to manifest most. We will do this in two parts.

Step 1:

Choose a theme word for the year ahead. What one word or phrase represents what you want to bring about in the next 12 months? (For example, my theme for 2010 was “The Year of Happy” where I made a personal commitment to myself to do everything that makes me happy and stop doing the things that don’t. And out of that theme, the Happy Black Woman blog was born!)

Step 2:

Choose a theme song for the coming year. Imagine what song you would want following you around during your daily journey to live your ideal life. It should be a song that brings about some kind of motivation or inspiration for you.

Oddly enough I did this, or called myself doing this at the end of 2010. Funny how perception and growth can change the outlook of so many things.

Theme: Love, Passion, Purpose

Theme Song(s):

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WDVzWsHSwg&w=480&h=390]

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvARxJoLirE&w=480&h=390]

Nappiology: Updos and Updates

[caption id="attachment_256" align="alignright" width="300" caption="the right now..."][/caption]

To the right, that has become me as of late. As  I tweak my regimen, I realize that right now with the cold winds and all that jazz, the updos are working for me. Today, I cut/trimmed some hair and due to just extra dry ends.

That's one of the harder parts of retaining length for me. Keeping my hair moisturized properly.  But, I'm working on it. I'm getting it done. I do realize that the harsh winds did push me into trying new hairstyles which is something that I wanted to do this year anyway.  Healthy hair is my goal. Still trying to stay the course with Moptop Maven and also Curly Nikki's grow out challenge. I still love SheaMoisture's Curl Enhancing Smoothie on my twists.  I used the Organic Yucca & Boabab Thickening Moisture Mist tonight.  Hair isn't thin or fine but I love how it smells.

Post A Week 2011: Topic #56

What keeps you up at night?

A plethora of things can keep me up:  reading a good book, stress about stress, restlessness over decisions, crazy productivity due to energy or determination to get something done, bouts of insomnia which can come about because of all the other reasons I mentioned.  When I was in college, I'd be up due to studying, or weird sleep patterns. But thankfully these kinds of nights are beginning to be few.

31 Day Reset: day 30

 

Today's exercise: Sit down today and make a list of 10 personal commitments that you would like to keep for the following year. Remember, these are serious promises that you are making to yourself in order to live your ideal life. You can make as few or as many as you want (I suggested 10 here for structure), but a list of more than 20 commitments probably becomes unrealistic and unwieldy.

For instance, one of the most powerful personal commitments that I made to myself this year was to distance myself from all the negative people in my life. It was a conscious process that I had to do for myself (and my own mental health) so that I could begin to cultivate a new way of thinking within my own mind and make more progress on my goals.

What are the kinds of personal commitments you can make to yourself that will completely transform the way you live your life not just in the year ahead, but in the years ahead? Watch this video if you need a bit of inspiration 

My 10:

1. Take risks even when I'm unsure of the outcome.


2. Be open to love from others.


3. Make time for getting healthy (spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically)


4. Take more action and less planning to start


5. Be more financially responsible.


6. Live with love, passion and purpose.


7. Be committed to what I set out to do.


8. Be more accepting of where I am and where others are in their lives.


9. Make time daily to nurture me.


10. Be open to new. ie, ideas, people, places, emotions, feelings

The Power of Inspiration

Recently, I finally made it through 200 + posts on feedler.  I hadn't checked it, because I was busy, I was tired, I just was.  But I made it to this post You Don't Need Any More Advice and it made me stop, pause, copy and paste lol and create a word doc to keep with me.  The gist of it was to simply take action.

• Stop reading books about it


• Stop reading blogs about it


• Stop talking about it


• Stop thinking about it


• Stop analyzing it


• Stop asking people about it

And it got me moving, got my wheels spinning. And they have been spinning ever since; which is why I'm actually getting posts done today. lol. I'm loving the state of productivity right now. I needed this. I can think a dream into non-existence sometimes without provocation. Can think about it so much that I don't ever actually get started on it and well I had to lay that notion to the side. Return of the mojo and I love it!

Reset Day 29:Let go of the Past

Today’s exercise consists of three parts, and they are all equally important to the process of letting go of negative events and experiences from the past.

Step 1: Acknowledgement

Go grab your reset notebook and write down all the things that you’re still holding onto from the past year (or even the past 30 years!). The timeframe is up to you. Your list should include bad experiences, failed relationships, arguments with friends and family, people who hurt you, situations you regret, jobs you got fired from, etc. If you want to go back more than a year, you can also include situations from your childhood, people you still have hold grudges against from high school, etc.

Step 2: Affirmation

For each item on your list, find a way to achieve closure, even if it is a small amount of relief. Think of an affirmation or personal mantra you can apply to the past event that will remove the painful or negative aspect of it and allow you to move on. You can either write them down in your notebook or say them out loud as you go down each item on the list.

Here is an example from my own life:

Past event: A painful breakup with a man that I thought would be my husband.

Affirmation: I’m glad things happened the way they did. When we broke up, I finally became committed to living an authentic life and pursuing what really made me happy. Thank you for letting me go. I can appreciate it now. I am grateful and free.

Step 3: Absolution

Now, you’re going to destroy your entire list. Tear the page(s) out of your notebook and do the following (and this is very important):

Burn it.

I did this. The best part of it was actually burning the list. Which I didn't go outside. I lit it up in my parents kitchen and then watched the process of paper burning.  Saw how some of the flames were still reaching for any part they could catch to burn even after the paper had burned. I found that interesting too.  Oddly when I wrote my list, I realized how good a year I had actually had. My list was quite short. I had four things on it. FOUR!!!

I was surprised that I hadn't put down that I'd ended a friendship with someone who I'd been friends with for years, that another fell through before it could really flourish into anything. I didn't even write about the strain in the relationship I had with my older sister.  I was glad  then.  Glad to see that those things weren't an issue.  That I'd left those things where they needed to be. Gone.

And the four that I wrote down...3 were dealing with men lol. The other my job.  I had a stressful first full year teaching. It seemed everything I did was wrong and it was just rough dealings.  So, I didn't enjoy what I did.  But in August, that actually changed... I poured more love into what I do, into teaching and growing wonderfully bright children. And it was amazing.  My 2nd full year has been my best teaching year so far and I love what I do, I love my "borrowed" little ones and they love me.

With the men, I realized that I gave too much energy to one and the other I didn't give hardly any to.  But I wrote affirmations and burned those sinking ships.  And it's been better dealings with both of those people since.

 

Reset Day 28: Write a Love Letter to 2010

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="259" caption="Best of 2010- lifehacker.com"][/caption]

 

Dear 2010,

This is what I loved about you:

Oddly as I start to write this the first question as me mentally stuttering. Trying to figure out what actually happened in 2010.  That in itself makes me want to do better with my awareness. My memory at times is not the best. What personal growth milestones did you achieve in 2010? I lost some loved ones in 2010, but I'm thankful that I was able to be appreciative of the time, the love, the moments we had instead of going completely into depression as I have want to do.  I decided to recommit to working out and getting my finances together. I began the ultimate restoration project on myself in late 2010, but such a good time to do it. I also learn to let some things go, let some people go and just go on with life. What professional accomplishments made you most proud in 2010? I completed LATAAP, which is a teacher certification program for Louisiana.  So, I'm certified and highly qualified to teach! I survived (barely) my first summer of not working.  It was really hard.  I even contemplating moving for a spell. What were your favorite experiences with friends and/or romantic partners this year? - One of my closest friends and I found a new niche. We like taking out readers(me, my IPAD; her, her Pandigital) to McAlisters and surfing the web, reading books, and talking.  It started something great.  My friend Eshia and I started having sleepovers where we dance and pillow talk  about life, men, spiritually and everything else under the sun, the moon and the rug.  Angela and I went to see The Color Purple off Broadway play at the Civic Center and I just loved it. I was glowing before, during and after. That's my favorite movie! So, that was just an over the top enthuse your soul experience right there. As far as romantic partners 2010 taught me to go with the flow and no regrets. Because well, those are a waste of mind space anyway.  lol.  I'm still single but I loved that about 2010, because I began to see much about me and I appreciate it. What was your favorite family moment from 2010? Watching my nephews during my church convention week. They are tiny and so different.  Also, just spending time with my immediate family more in 2010 was just good.  Seeing my aunt Lynn in August was just grand for me. I love her to pieces.  There are so many moments. Polishing nails with my little sister. Trading barbs (jokingly) with my mom. Holding hands with my granddaddy.  Evading boyfriend questions from my dad. Seeing my brother's joy about living return. Knowing that my little brother is hooked on video games.  Great things. What was the best book/album/movie/restaurant/city/country/etc you discovered in 2010? The best book for 2010 Wow!!! I read so much...ummm Recipe for Temptation by Maureen Smith.  Best Re-Read: Better Than by Leslie Esdaile, Best Album: It's On Tonight by Brian Culbertson, Best Movie: Don't remember any that I saw so that couldn't have been that good. Best Play: Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family.  I didn't travel as much as I did in 2009... But I fell in small love with Baton Rouge in 2010.

So in spite of some downs I had, with all this good I'm grateful. Ever thankful to you 2010.

Appreciatively,

Ms. J

The Power of Procrastination

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Oh, I had it all planned out yesterday. I was going to celebrate my singledom, by going out with one of my girlfriends. I was going to do several posts that I'd been intending to do for about a week now. And what did I do?  None of that. lol. I was sleep before 10 p.m. I put in an order for a new laptop, that I'm going to call Sassy, watched a show via netflix called Drop Dead Diva... the second episode was getting on my nerves at jump, so I got my laptop, got in the bed and started to read. And fell asleep. I woke up at 1 a.m. But today, I said it was as it needed to be.  I'm a procrastinator in the sense that often I need some type of motivation to do small things.  Because I will put it off until it can't be put off any longer.  Like sit for 30 minutes and make a post, or even to toss out some papers that I should have gotten rid of a month or so ago.  Sometimes I'm lazy and I know it, just haven't changed it.  And that's all I'm going to say about that. I could lie and say I'm going to change it, but well, I'll put that off too.

Post a week 2011: share one thing that you learned recently

I learned that sometimes its okay to do nothing especially when you're trying to do too much. It's like having so much on your plate that you don't know where to dig in first.

JumpRope Memoirs: Self- Esteem Dream

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So... my thoughts have been inundated with self-appreciation at all levels.  The concept that regardless of size I have to make the best effort to treat myself well. The Evolution of Me project that I'm allowing to totally transform my life now is out of love for myself.  It's hard.  I won't even lie about that.  It's hard knowing that I'm going to fail often before I succeed. It's hard knowing that some people expect me to have a low view of myself because of weight. But I don't. A low self-esteem even. But I don't.  I don't however like when other people try to make me feel bad about it though. That's annoying. Some even assume I'm not taking care of myself because I'm fresh to death on that "heavy status".  Insert eye roll here. I work out hard, heavy, and intensely when I do. Because I want it to count. I've even *crossing my fingers* got a handle on mindless munching.  It's beyond irritating when some men think I should be glad that they are paying me attention.  Heck, he should be glad I was actually present in the moment, to notice he was paying me attention. But that could be a rant for another day and time.

Funny thing today I feel like I could be a writer. I'm not though. Just like I can sing, but I'm not a performer. I love to play with words, to put them together and make a coherent written thought. Even if it's vague.

For this week, for yoga I've just been practicing breathing.  Being conscious of the breath.  Meditating for a few moments in the morning.

Workouts: I almost didn't work out yesterday. Not because I was tired. Not because I was sore. My workout partner didn't want to.  But I did workout. I worked out because a friend from the summer morning crew was there to put me on blast. It just reminded me that I do it for me. If I had missed, I'd feel bad today knowing that school is dismissing early for a snow day and I may not get a chance to go to the gym.  I even want to go today because we're doing punches lol. My lesson in that: I can only expect me to go and work. Because my partner may decide she doesn't want to at all. I can't use that as an excuse to derail myself.

31 Day Reset: Days 23, 24, 25, 26, and 27

Day 23: Exercise- Find a Community to Support Your Goals Today’s exercise requires you to explore different groups that you could join as part of your personal development journey. One thing you might do is to take a look at your Reset Project and think about what communities could support you in those specific goals.

What I did for this exercise was joined some groups on Sparkpeople.com that cater to some of the goals I have.  I also liked the Happy Black Woman and Black Girl's Guide to Weightloss groups on Facebook.  I tried looking on meetup.com for groups and came up with nada for my area.

Day 24: Ask for Help or Offer Help.

I chose to ask someone for help.  There's a lady who I correspond with who lost a lot of weight eating right and moving. I asked for help with eating. I don't have a problem moving, but something's not right with the food.  We are trying to get to sync our schedules together show she can help me with meal planning.

Day 25: Stop Complaining For 24 hours.

I laughed at myself with this one.  Because the morning of this exercise when I was reading my feedler, I made a comment about LeBron James head.  Which I think I didn't have so much an issue of complaining this day as I had pointing out obvious things to other poeple.  So, I need to work on that.  Not saying things just because I think about them.  Opinion isn't always wanted.

Day 26:  Reflect, Comment, and Connect

• What was the most important thing you learned about yourself this week?  That I am easily sidetracked. I get into "rest mode" mentality and I get stuck.


• What has been your favorite exercise so far? What did you like about it? Planning the Reset Project.  I liked that I actually put it on paper, so I know what I need to do to get it rolling.


• Which exercise did you struggle with the most and why? Purging negative people from my life and social communities.  I'm not finished with it yet.  Looking at 1108 is daunting.  So, I'm taking it "spur of the moment" at a time.

Day 27- Start a Side Hustle

I'm still thinking about what I could use for a side hustle... I could be a book seller, a *cough* sometime singer. I have to research this more. Think about it more.

PostAWeek2011: Topic: Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Are you an optimist, a pessimist, or something else?

I'm a mixture of both on any given day.  I can "what if" something to death.  Or think something to complete woe-is-me-dome lol.  Yet as of late I've tried to take on the more optimistic view-point in situations I encounter.  Why? It makes me feel better. My ways of thinking about things, how I perceive them is starting to change.  So, if it's something that's going to lead me to not being able to see anything positive about it, except getting myself out of it, then I go with that or I do what I can to change it.

In due time...

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Funny thing. I planned to post yesterday. It didn't happen. Just like I've been meaning to finish my 31 day reset.  It didn't happen either.  Sometimes life intervenes and some times I'm just unproductive.  So, I'm doing it now while my students complete their morning activities. This post is an update more or less of what has been going on and what hasn't.

What sparked this bubbling inside of me was a mildly upsetting occurrence with my sorority sisters. I won't go into that. Whatever the case was it was apparently necessary to remind me of what my motto has become for my life.  And I wasn't doing that. I wasn't living that motto. I was about to back down to some foolishness. Which most people who know me, know that's not me. I don't mind necessary confrontation.  But after thinking about my motto: live a life with love, purpose and passion, I nipped that other situation in the bud. I don't like people trying to tamper with my joy.  That's just foul. lol.

Anyway, that led to this other discovery that one of my guy friends we have a beautiful friendship. The love shared there is heavy.  Sigh. Now why would this even be important?  Because we take love: the capacity of it, the ability to share it, the power to accept it: for granted.  And he shows me my ability to willingly give it without expectation.  And as we texted, I could only smile as he engaged me in my randonmess.

The writing collabo project I've actually gotten one poem out for it.  And another poem for something completely different.  And I have til the end of February. I'll get it done.  My creativity is starting to flow again and I'm letting it escape as it wishes.

My yoga practice has been adjusted to a 3 day thing and not an everyday thing.  I'm commitment phobic.  Committing to everyday seemed a bit much as was apparently too much for my schedule at the time. So, the 21 day yoga challenge, was a fail in the sense of practicing everyday, but a success in getting me in to me more.  Making me more in tuned to my body, my breath, and I'll take that.

So, the picture means  that there are changes ahead as I learn me more, as I do me more, as I love me more. And I'm all for it. I think the hardest problem I have is just getting started, but I'm ready.

Post A Week: What tech can't you live without?

What’s one piece of technology you can’t live without?

On first thought: My computer. I use it for so much: Surfing the web, reading, typing lesson plans, syncing my other techie devices. My music is here, my photos...Like a one stop shop lol

JumpRope Memoirs #2: Not even a plateau

What I had going on this week can't even be called a plateau. I worked out seriously once this week.  My yoga practice was even limited to yoga in my bed. Which most times it got me at least up and moving.  But I was real stagnant this week.  There seemed to be an overwhelming demand on my time this week. So much so, that I cut out just about everything that had anything to do with working my body.  It was a busy school week for me.  While I don't feel guilty, thankful for that, that I missed my workouts and ate like food was going out of style, I did realize that I however want that movement that comes with exercising. It's not that I see any results immediately when I'm working out, but the feeling is amazing. I didn't have that this week. And I actually feel heavy. I'm a size positive woman true enough, but I normally don't feel my weight and I felt it this week. So, while this was a week of just not doing anything productive across the board, it did at least remind me that I've got to keep moving. That I've got to keep pursuing my goals. It also showed me that I really don't have a plan.  I think about what I want, but I haven't committed the time to even put in writing the actions I need to take to get me there. So, that's my one thing to do for my body this weekend: Read, think of an action plan, put it on paper.  Not going to stress putting it in to action just yet. I need a foundation first, right? Meal planning back in effect Sunday.

Reset Day 22: Purge Negative People From Your Life

Exercise: Make a list of all the people in your life who bring you down. These are the people you know or hang out with who are major Debbie Downers, who complain all the time and have nothing but bad things to say about other people. They are the cynics and the snarks who have nothing better to do than talk about how much everything sucks – people, work, life in general. This list might include all the folks you ignore when they call, text or email you because, well, just the thought of interacting with them is depressing. Get my drift?

• Friends - I have a limited few of these. Which thankfully they are a good crew.


• Family members - You can't choose your family. lol. But I talk to the ones I want to and the rest I love them from a distance.


• Current or ex-romantic partners - Not Applicable.


• Co-workers or colleagues - I only interact with coworkers that have good attitudes or ones who keep the focus on the good of what's going on.  Why? Because I can get my own self down at work I don't need help.


• Old high school or college buddies- Only have steady contact with one. She's... well she's her.


• Facebook friends - Will begin going through this list. I have 1108 "friends" Probably 600 of them I don't know.


• Twitter followers - Will be deleting followers on here as well and thinking about taking my account back to private.

I'm also becoming more aware of myself if I'm in that down mode, I try my best not to be around anyone for the sake of not ruining anyone else's mood. It works.

Reset Day 21: Ditch TV for 24 hours

Exercise: Need another reason to step away from the boob tube? Well, black women are probably the ones who are most affected by the negative aspects of watching TV, because as an ethnic/gender group, we watch more TV than any other group in the United States. Yes, as in more TV than the average of 5 hours a day! Which may be explain why too many of us are overweight and unhappy when we should be healthy and fulfilled. Let’s stop letting TV take away the time we could be spending on more productive pursuits.

This was like a cheat exercise. lol, since I already don't watch 5 hours of tv a week. Some weeks my tv doesn't come on at all.  I'm a reader, a web searcher. But for some reason on this day I was wanting to watch tv. Was actually going to clean, but didn't because I turn movies on for background noise sometimes.  I ended up ditching online time as well for this day unintentionally. To stave off any late night watching, I went out with a friend and her friends lol and had a blast.

Reset Day 20: Plan Your Reset Project

Exercise: To complete this exercise, you will choose one specific area from your life map to make progress on within the next month. Of course, your reset project will be focused on one of these seven specific areas of your life:

• Lifestyle


• Work


• Education


• Finances


• Health


• Family


• Relationships

How to Structure Your Reset Project

• Brief description of the project: Finances-Better Budgeting Diva


• Why the project was selected: This project will get me closer to my ideal life by giving me freedom with my money.


• Goals: To budget and live by that budget. To get my emergency fund up and running.


• Results: By having an emergency fund open with a deposit and automatic savings activated


• Assistance/advice needed: I need diligence, determination and faith. I am also following some very helpful financial blogs. I also have The Total Money Makeover.


• Obstacles: Unexpected expenses. Overspending.


• Next steps: Monitor my spending to see what cuts I can make.

What About Your Friends?

How do you define the word friend? A friend is a person who knows me. I mean really knows me but still loves me. Or vice versa a person who lets me "see" them and "allows" me to love them anyway.

What are three things you can do to be a better friend to the people in your life?

1. Be available emotionally


2. Give my time physically, mentally


3. Give my love spiritually

It's funny that this happened to be the topic of the day for the Post A Day 2011; Post a Week 2011 challenge.  Because Thursday morning I woke in a funk. I mean straight crappy thinking about not having friends of substance. No limbs to step out on that wouldn't break.  No one to call if there were an emergency and my parents were on the way but not right here and I was quiet the majority of the day. I only talked to 18 - 5 and 6 year olds. I was quiet at the gym. I prayed about whether I needed to be silent and therefore I was.  Because I was hurt. I felt used.  And I don't like to feel used by people. I try to avoid situations where it seems I might end up using someone and I don't like to see others used.  I cried about this.  Because I felt that I wasn't as important to my friends as I make them to be to me.

All this because a friend didn't text me back or call me back.  For like the umpteenth time.  But I processed it, I let it be what it was and I was good on Friday.  Because the reality is everyone does their thing. Even me.  I can only control me. I'm not doormat material, so I'll be good to my people and when it's not reciprocated, I'll give them their time to do what it is they do and I'll go on and do me.

JumpRope Memoirs #1: Quitting lol

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 5 pm ish, I seriously wanted to quit the gym.  I felt fat. lol. and just mad that my workout was beating the crap out of me.  It was something wild and crazy that my trainer decided to do because he felt like the women were not working as hard as we should be.  It was an ab workout. I don't have abs! Which is what I say whenever we have "ab" work.  It didn't work.  Worse part I didn't eat enough that day for what we were doing. Knew it the minute I started lifting that 10 lb bench weight up to shoulder length.  Needless to say when I started doing my jump squats the last exercise with the watchful eye of the trainer, one of the guys who talks much noise to me came over to me. PAUSE! When I'm getting funky, sweaty and grinding in the gym don't flirt with me if you're a) married or b) not attractive to me. Cause I'll play you to the left if I don't feel like entertaining you.  And if you loud and do it in front of other people I am not liable for the sarcasm or crass language that ensues. Nor do I find that attractive. PLAY! He was trying to be encouraging but I was watching him watch me and my trainer watch us.  I'll skip the part right here... lol

After all the ab work 50 minutes worth we had to do 400 Rope jumps-jump ropes however you picture it.  I was exhausted like I hadn't been in weeks.  I was mad that it was taking me so long, mad that I was out of shape. (In better shape than I was though) And I really went through some body image mental wars trying to get those 400 jumps. At 150 my breath was short. I felt flabby and imagined that other people thought I was flabby.( not the case, others think I'm a hottie lol) But at 200 I wanted to quit. I wanted to put down the rope and just not come back to the gym. Irrational I know.  But I was tired. Tired of seemingly being slower when I should be faster. Tired of trying to get it done when its clearly doing me in.  But I went back the next day.

It's Saturday and my torso is still achy.  I'm having to keep a bra on all day (t m i) because that muscle back there behind that breast tissue that I didn't know existed aches without that support.  But my torso feels tight and I'm still in it to win it. I'm down 18 lbs.

Reset Day 19: Get Rid of Stuff You Don't Need

Exercise: Go through your living space today and be ruthless in getting rid of ALL the stuff you don’t need. Every single bit of it. Go through closets, bedrooms, shelves, storage rooms, even your home office and ask yourself the following questions for each item: Do I really need this? Do I even want it anymore? If yes, keep it and love it. If no, kick it to the curb by throwing it away, giving it away or recycling it.

I actually did this back in December of 2010 during my Christmas Break. I talked about it HERE and here. It was very cathartic.  I felt sooooo good after I dropped off my boxes at Goodwill.  I had keeps, give aways and toss piles.  I am still however going through papers =-( .  That project seems to be ongoing.  But I'm working on it.  So much of it is keeps and I don't want to lol.

Reset Day 18: spice up your love life

Exercise: Today’s challenge has two options: one for those who already have a partner and one for those who are single and looking for a partner.

Option 1: If you already have a partner or spouse, do something out of the ordinary. Do something you used to do when you first met or do something you’ve never done before.

Option 2: If you want to find a romantic partner, you can approach someone you already like or find attractive and ask for their phone number or ask them out on a date. Or, you can sign up for an online dating service.

My love life is full of flirtatious banter but nothing heavy or consistent.  It could be due to where I live, the types of men I surround myself with, or just me in general. I haven't ever been the dating type. So, how do I plan to ever get married then? I feel like it'll flow whenever its time. I get lude approaches from men wanting to do me, guessing game approaches from men too afraid to pursue me... But now like officially I'm centered on me.... Trying to really wholeheartedly work on me so I can be ready, in the right place when he finds me. I want to be able to appreciate the love he will have for me.  I thought about creating an online profile, but my heart wasn't in it.  I started laughing when I thought about doing it.  I wonder how serious I would be, or how scared I might be that I'd get that one psycho out there that's been waiting for someone. *side eye*  So, the idea isn't completely dead, it just definitely isn't going down right now. In the meantime, I'm enjoying me time and friendship building time.

Reset Day 17: Find a Good Therapist

Exercise: If you don’t yet have a therapist, find one. A good therapist will be someone you feel comfortable talking to. It also helps if their office is in close proximity to your home, work or school. It shouldn’t be a hassle for you to get there for your sessions and you certainly don’t need the additional stress.

It's going to take me a moment to actually get this done. Although I do like the idea, financially it's not an expense I want to create right now.  I have a degree in counseling so I do believe and know that there are great benefits to being able to go and without judgement let your mind go through spoken word. I've had counseling before, had to in order to be able to counsel others. I did do a search and I'll continue researching this as well as checking my insurance to see what or if anything can be covered and go from there.

Reset Day 16

 



Today’s assignment requires you to reflect on your learning and share in your fellow participants’ progress over the past week. Being able to compare and contrast your experiences and offer encouragement to others can be extremely useful as you move forward in your personal development journey!

Reflect

• What was the most important thing you learned about yourself this week? That I really can be stuck in my mindset.  Hence the Day 11 activity. I also realized there are a lot of things that I love and hated thought about.  I also have some issues that I can work on.


• What has been your favorite exercise so far? What did you like about it? My favorite exercise was the 100 things that make me happy. Wow that was so great.  It was hard to get the list going in the beginning... I got stuck at 25 then at 52.  Read some other people's list and realized that there were some things I loved but didn't think about the simple pleasures and then it just took off from there.


• Which exercise did you struggle with the most and why? Writing the eulogy.  Because I have my issues with death and this activity was almost completely skipped.  Will probably remain the hated exercise for this Reset.

The other parts of this activity ask that I comment and connect with others.  Connected with someone new whose doing her Reset as well via twitter a day or so ago, but will reach out to more and headed to make comments now via Happy Black Woman now.

 

Reset Day 15: write your eulogy

always up to and in to something, had a good heart,  personality made you love her and she gave love like it was a brand.. Her aura was like no other. And in the end as she wanted she lived a life that was pleasing to her Father.

Hated this exercise. And yes I said hate. This made me so  uncomfortable. I almost didn't do it. The biggest part is that it brings up the issue of death and that is always a subject that I mentally try to avoid. Because I don't understand it. I want to live forever and I want others to live forever.  But it isn't so.  And well... that's an issue for me.

Reset Day 14: The Perfect Day

I wake up at 5:00 and do yoga and then meditate and have my talk time with God. Afterwards I'm smiling to myself because my day is going to be full of energy and just wonderful. I turn on a Jill Scott and India arie mix and cook breakfast. Today I'm off- built in vacation time. I laugh at myself for not sleeping in. I don't have a set schedule today and I love that. I head to my gym and flirt a little before I preserve my sexy for 45 minutes. I make a list of what I want to do for my productivity hour when i return home and I set about doing it. I shower,I write poetry for fifteen minutes, scrapbook for 20 minutes, share and receive good news for 15 minutes, toss out excess papers for 10 minutes. Got to stay clutter free. I get back in the bed and look at the ceiling, pull out my iPad, read my feeds, then start reading a story I'd been reading until I decide I'm going to sleep for an hr or two. When I get up I dress and make sure I put on my Falsies mascara. I meet my friend at books a million where she and I peruse the aisles with no intent to purchase. No unnecessary purchases. Just love the ambiance. I ran into a student of mine and her parent and proceeded to love of her. My friend and I went to eat and I had cabbage. We talked about goals we had accomplished up to that point and it was great. It was dark when we parted, I went home showered with my lavender chamomile soap and then snuggled into my bed with an e-book until I fall asleep.

Happy 2 Years Natural To Me!

I still love it! lol... I was planning such a big post for this occassion but that changed. So, you'll get some snaps... Last vestiges of relaxer trimmed away on January 17, 2009 by my madre...

my first twists lol... they were so tiny...

fro

twists

getting bigger

me now...

Hair is like this right now, took down the updo and will take down the twists in the morning.... just an update.  I am still learning my hair, still experimenting with products, etc.  Did it before it became a "trend" but so glad I did. Enjoy!

Monday Morning Musings

Listening to Jill Scott Live In Paris...i heart her!

I really thought I was going to sleep in today... but I didn't. I couldn't actually.  Now, I'm waiting on my nail polish :Matte Grey Cement by Avon: to dry so I can be on with my doings for the day.  But yes, I thought I was going to sleep in. Had saw myself just in the bed lounging. But it wasn't to be. I woke up around 6:15 this a.m.  Nowhere to go today. I'm a teacher, it's a holiday today.  But between my financial musings of what I needed to do today, I paused and gave God thanks smiled and looked at the ceiling.  Read my feeds, searched some debt subjects, etc... until that seemed like it was overwhelming me.  I cooked breakfast: 2 egg whites and some grits... ate and seasoned my chicken so it could marinate for later... laid back down... no sleep.  So, around 10 something I realized it just wasn't meant to be. Yeah, took me that long.  My mind just wouldn't let me rest. Like I need to cook, make a budget, have a meeting, do some tossing out, make some posts today, exercise, do my hair and my mind was processing all those things like a scratched disc in my head this morning...

So, I'll address them in one post instead of making several:

Cooking: This week on my menu it's chicken: baked, barbecued, grilled with pasta, greens, and steamed vegetables. cereal, egg whites, oatmeal, tuna fish and water. I'm trying not to even do tea at home. It's hard. I won't lie.

I'm making two budgets today: Cut a definitely unnecessary expense this morning. One for February and half one for March.  Cause I need a budget. Have too much money that I've spent since november 2010 that I can't account for... so, I definitely have to change the system. Cause it's broke and it definitely needs to be fixed.

I have a sorority meeting today. I'm a member of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc. and one of my jobs is serving as the Undergraduate Advisor, so I'll adorn that hat later today.

Do some tossing out.  I'll be working in my ZEN room today. It's my creative room, where I write, scrapbook, exercise, shoot lol just create. But I have an excess of paper in there... During my productivity hour today I'll be working in there.

Make some posts today: I'm behind on my 31 day reset... and I'm okay with this because well I've learned that life intervenes always and I let it lol, so I want to get caught up on those at some point today... I read the assignments just didn't make time to do them.

Exercise:  I'll be doing Taebo, or yoga today... possibly both. My gym is closed today. It's a holiday.  Anyway this brings me to something else :21 day yoga challenge: and well it just hasn't been going. Day 2 was my best day. I spent the week trying to see whether my meditation time should be in the morning or in the evening.  Also, a lot of the videos were definitely not for beginner yogis... But alas I've not given up on practice, because it was fun and a learning experience. Will be hitting it this week and revisited some vids from last week as well. I laughed at myself often.

And my hair... well that'll be another post....

Ciao!

Let Go

It's okay to let go



to let go of people that don't mean you well

people that drain you, that take and don't ever give

it's okay to let go

to let go of friendships that bear no fruit

the kind that only seem real to people

who don't know how to be a friend anyway

its okay to let go

of things that are weighing you down

it's okay to have less and still live a  full life

its okay to let go

of your image or labels you don't want to keep

it's okay to let go

of the past

cause it's surely gone