Burning the midnight oil...

I have this bad when school is back in session.  The first few weeks always appear to be a chaotic imbalance between productivity and being wasteful with my time.  Whenever school starts back there's a mixture of excitement, nervousness and being overwhelmed that creeps over me. I'm excited about the new challenges I'll be faced with as a teacher, but also nervous about the group as well: how we'll mesh, how I'm going to teach them.  And feeling overwhelmed because with a new school year comes also a lot of demands on my time.  At work and at home.  Because work runs over into home in the beginning.  There's just so much to get together for class, for the parents, for the students, for roles,etc.  And it becomes a question of what time do I shut off?  What time do I stop so I can actually rest?  Because I know I'm going to get up early, like 5:30 a.m. or before early because I'm trying to maximize my morning time into things of enjoyment that I rarely get to do after work and the gym...

So, this leads me to going back to something I used to do that worked really well. I used to have a productivity hour in the evening.  I'd write on my white board what I was going to do, set my timer and get at it.  Why? Well for starters it keeps me on task. Also, i know that when that timer dings... I need to wrap it up and go on to the something else. Usually getting ready for bed,the next day, reading.  So, I must take that back on this week.  Because I am not trying to get burned out or overly frustrated before I even get started with class.  I know I have a challenge ahead of me... but here's to mindfulness, productivity and health.

How do you keep yourself from burning the midnight oil constantly?

Movement: A Necessity

Background: Eric Benet: Lost in Time/ Track: Something's Wrong

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Newness: So, I've been disconnected for a while.  Felt good. Felt needed. But now I'm back and I'm ready. Lol.

So much spinning around in my mind. I've been inspired by this post : Gone Manifesting by Kim Jackson  I have several things I want to manifest. But I want to focus on one thing at a time.. or something like that lol. I know me. Sometimes I do the most.

Teaching: Summer is almost over for me as a teacher. That in itself brings excitement and a small ounce of trepidation.  It's always a learning experience working with children. But I'm excited about the growth that I know is going to take place. I know there will be some stress too. I'm not even going to psyche myself up like it isn't.  My goal is to have my classroom ready by next Tuesday. I'll even post pictures.  And being back amongst my coworkers isn't how I had initially fretted

it might be in my head. It's a mixture of watchfulness, excitement and ok keep it moving on my part. So, I'm good.

Dating:..errr lol

Healthiness: Still going strong at the gym! Food however has been a struggle. But I'm mindful of this. I do so much better when I prepare my food at home.  I have a blender I have yet to use. But I so want to get some  recipes and get that sucker going.  I'm intrigued by the Pescetarian lifestyle.  And plan on taking a gander at this real soon. When I do, I'll be sure to report any differences/benefits. My weight-the number has been fluctuating but mostly staying the same.  So, yeah I need to shake that up.  I've shifted to losing and toning.  Because I want to lose but I don't want to be all sagging flesh as I'm losing. Umm no, that would be a negative.

Travel: I've been on the move... and I love it! Georgia and Texas... and soon Texas again have been my spots for July.  Which amazingly I wrote in January on 31 Day Reset that that was a goal of mine. To get out and go and I'm trying to get my finances in order so I can do more of that.

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Hair: I've added Design Essentials into my hair product miniature arsenal. I've been twisting with SheaMoisture deep treatment masque.  Tried it with TCB setting lotion and then the DE oil... love  the results. Moisturized, shiny, touchable, moving hair. What I've noticed: As my hair gets longer, I get my shrinkage after a wash and my smaller twists are starting to leaving me little knots. I'm not feeling that latter part at all.  But I'll figure it out.

Mindfulness: I realized this week I was losing some of my go juice lol. But today I think I tapped into it and I'm glad I did. I sometimes loathe being stuck in a rut, but I've learned that I have to be still and just figure out how I got there, why I'm there and what it's going to take to get from there.  Growth is Beautiful.

Words...

There is so much power in words.

They uplift, they destroy, they give, they take away, they rebuild, their tear down... Life and death... in the tongue.

And while this posts brings to you nothing new. it's occupying my head space and I want to spread it out to yours.

State of Mind :)

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I'm in an excitable state right now lol... And I'm not doing anymore than I normally do but today I'm flowing lol... Got a sorority meeting at 2:00 o'clock. I definitely need to take this energy with me there. But I'm in tune with calm joy right now. I did week 6 day 2 run today and it was good. I needed to do it.  Two 10 minute runs. I ran errands and some times focusing on the clock made my nerves frazzled, and I wasn't in a rush. Exchanged convos with my besties and laughed with one when I did a prayer via text: Please don't let me be a harlot today. The latter probably from some left over juice from watching Jumping the Broom. Which I thought was a really good movie. The cast was great. The story line was wonderful.  My favorites were Romeo Miller, Tasha Smith and Mike Epps.  but that's not what this post is about in particular.   It's about my eyes being opened today, to just enjoying moments.  Relishing in my inner thoughts, laughing about them or expounding on them.

I've decided to challenge myself to 84 days of exercise and realistically only 70 of those will be of better eating choices. Because I have to figure it out. I have to make it work.  That challenge alone stems from the 3 things at least: I have a convention challenge to meet with my brother, a man who wants me even though he shouldn't challenged me to some weight down by the end of summer.  And 3 the biggest motivator, inspiration for myself is just that I want to look like I've lost weight even to myself when I return to work. I want to know that I set out with the intention every workout to make it count. But I also want to focus on bringing health more in to view for me mentally, physically and spiritually.  So, I'm even contemplating taking time off from people this summer lol. Because sometimes you just have to. That external noise can be so consuming.

So, what's your state of mind today?

That girl likes to plateau...

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I feel like him today. This whole week, the past two weeks even. I've been kinda floating. I'm all the way live until about 6 p.m. and then I want my bed. My training, my eating, my hobbies, my sorority life, er-thang seems to be taking a backseat to one thing, one daunting reality: I'm tired lol.

Updates:

Writing: I did actually finish my poetry for the collaboration with my friend in February by the set deadline. I just didn't update here.

Yoga: More misses than hits lately. I haven't made it a habit. I've been getting up late every morning and just aimlessly soaking in the morning before I rush around for no other reason than to do so.

Meditation: I'm lazy but definitely needing to practice holding my thoughts under my captivity

Workouts: I'm getting in 5, 6 at the most now-a-days. Down 14 lbs. No meal planning has been in effect and I know that isn't going to last.

Financials: I'm still learning.

Post A Week 2011: I've missed two weeks. With no other reason than being preoccupied with something else.

Hair: I've started using KeraCare Naturals line and I like it. I still have my SheaMoisture products on the ready. lol And today is definitely feeling like a hair day.

Jump Rope Memoirs: Finding My Stride

So, I'm down 10 lbs!

Amazing things happening.  This past week, I did something I've been wanting to do, but haven't: workout 6 days a week and track my eating on Sparkpeople.  And I did!  For the past two weeks, I've just been conscious.  Conscious of the work I'm putting in, and what I've fueling my body with.  It's made such a difference.  So, this is really just an update.  I start week three of the C25K program today.  In my heart I'm a runner lol.  In actuality, I'm barely jogging. But, it's good. I'm going to get there.  So achieving that birthday 10, definitely sparked something in me. Makes me feel "empowered".  So, that's where I am now.  I also, check on NowLoss regularly, for tidbits of information and I stay HERE as often as I can, because the website owner is such an inspiration to me to keep moving. I'm adding two new goals: actively doing yoga and getting up to 3 minutes worth of jump roping. I can do a minute here and there, but 3 minutes straight just hasn't worked for me yet.  Also, on the yoga, I'm still intrigued by it and surprisingly I can do some of the poses better now, but if I actively did it. I know I could do it better.

Unplugged with Lauryn: A Beautiful Mess

Oddly enough I've been meaning to make this post for several days now but I hadn't. Thoughts have been swimming and intertwining so I can create this prose of random sense.  For the past 2 weeks, I kept having this feeling of being stuck in a rut.  You, might say the year just started and I would agree.  But I'm glad now since I've come on the other side, that all that has happened in the past two weeks did happen.  It needed to happen, so that I'd make a move.  Which, I found it totally encouraging that in church Sunday, my granddad was talking about what of course: Being stuck in a rut! And I was amazed, cause I knew I'd been feeling that way.  So, the first time this mood overtook me I pulled out Lauryn Hill's Unplugged album. And at the stage I'm in now, the lyrics were received new.  That trapped feeling of people not wanting you to just be you. Being expected to be on at all times and I just refuse to. I want to smile cause I want to, look sneaky even if I want to and not have to explain why. And I don't. lol. It actually put a spin on my perspective. Reminding me that I, like many other people, make things important that are not. But when I came out of that moment, I realized the cycle I had created for myself without knowing it.  The defeatist attitude, that half-caring attitude and that wasn't good.  I was just doing without love, without purpose and definitely without passion and I don't want to. I prefer to be one whose proactive instead of reactive.  So, I have to make a conscious effort to do so. This week, I took a day off.  Not because I was ill, thankfully.  But because I was mentally tired. Just drained. Thinking all the time about something or another.  And that day, I wanted to completely be free of my routine and therefore I did.  I went to the gym and had a laugh at myself... and laid down for most of the day.  Not sleeping, just laying. Praying, having a miniature consultation with God.  The clarity of the mess I'd made with myself was just slapping me in the face.  I didn't waste my day placing blame, but allowing it to be what it was. Truth. So, it refreshed me. It's done something to my meditation, my dealings with people, my dealings with myself and that's grand. Of course I've had some interruptions in my thinking process on my journey to being better even after this moment.  But, the thing now is to take some time out to be selfish, to just enjoy, to just love, to nourish and to be. To be kind, but truthful to myself.

JumpRope Memoirs: Self- Esteem Dream

Source

So... my thoughts have been inundated with self-appreciation at all levels.  The concept that regardless of size I have to make the best effort to treat myself well. The Evolution of Me project that I'm allowing to totally transform my life now is out of love for myself.  It's hard.  I won't even lie about that.  It's hard knowing that I'm going to fail often before I succeed. It's hard knowing that some people expect me to have a low view of myself because of weight. But I don't. A low self-esteem even. But I don't.  I don't however like when other people try to make me feel bad about it though. That's annoying. Some even assume I'm not taking care of myself because I'm fresh to death on that "heavy status".  Insert eye roll here. I work out hard, heavy, and intensely when I do. Because I want it to count. I've even *crossing my fingers* got a handle on mindless munching.  It's beyond irritating when some men think I should be glad that they are paying me attention.  Heck, he should be glad I was actually present in the moment, to notice he was paying me attention. But that could be a rant for another day and time.

Funny thing today I feel like I could be a writer. I'm not though. Just like I can sing, but I'm not a performer. I love to play with words, to put them together and make a coherent written thought. Even if it's vague.

For this week, for yoga I've just been practicing breathing.  Being conscious of the breath.  Meditating for a few moments in the morning.

Workouts: I almost didn't work out yesterday. Not because I was tired. Not because I was sore. My workout partner didn't want to.  But I did workout. I worked out because a friend from the summer morning crew was there to put me on blast. It just reminded me that I do it for me. If I had missed, I'd feel bad today knowing that school is dismissing early for a snow day and I may not get a chance to go to the gym.  I even want to go today because we're doing punches lol. My lesson in that: I can only expect me to go and work. Because my partner may decide she doesn't want to at all. I can't use that as an excuse to derail myself.

JumpRope Memoirs #2: Not even a plateau

What I had going on this week can't even be called a plateau. I worked out seriously once this week.  My yoga practice was even limited to yoga in my bed. Which most times it got me at least up and moving.  But I was real stagnant this week.  There seemed to be an overwhelming demand on my time this week. So much so, that I cut out just about everything that had anything to do with working my body.  It was a busy school week for me.  While I don't feel guilty, thankful for that, that I missed my workouts and ate like food was going out of style, I did realize that I however want that movement that comes with exercising. It's not that I see any results immediately when I'm working out, but the feeling is amazing. I didn't have that this week. And I actually feel heavy. I'm a size positive woman true enough, but I normally don't feel my weight and I felt it this week. So, while this was a week of just not doing anything productive across the board, it did at least remind me that I've got to keep moving. That I've got to keep pursuing my goals. It also showed me that I really don't have a plan.  I think about what I want, but I haven't committed the time to even put in writing the actions I need to take to get me there. So, that's my one thing to do for my body this weekend: Read, think of an action plan, put it on paper.  Not going to stress putting it in to action just yet. I need a foundation first, right? Meal planning back in effect Sunday.

JumpRope Memoirs #1: Quitting lol

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 5 pm ish, I seriously wanted to quit the gym.  I felt fat. lol. and just mad that my workout was beating the crap out of me.  It was something wild and crazy that my trainer decided to do because he felt like the women were not working as hard as we should be.  It was an ab workout. I don't have abs! Which is what I say whenever we have "ab" work.  It didn't work.  Worse part I didn't eat enough that day for what we were doing. Knew it the minute I started lifting that 10 lb bench weight up to shoulder length.  Needless to say when I started doing my jump squats the last exercise with the watchful eye of the trainer, one of the guys who talks much noise to me came over to me. PAUSE! When I'm getting funky, sweaty and grinding in the gym don't flirt with me if you're a) married or b) not attractive to me. Cause I'll play you to the left if I don't feel like entertaining you.  And if you loud and do it in front of other people I am not liable for the sarcasm or crass language that ensues. Nor do I find that attractive. PLAY! He was trying to be encouraging but I was watching him watch me and my trainer watch us.  I'll skip the part right here... lol

After all the ab work 50 minutes worth we had to do 400 Rope jumps-jump ropes however you picture it.  I was exhausted like I hadn't been in weeks.  I was mad that it was taking me so long, mad that I was out of shape. (In better shape than I was though) And I really went through some body image mental wars trying to get those 400 jumps. At 150 my breath was short. I felt flabby and imagined that other people thought I was flabby.( not the case, others think I'm a hottie lol) But at 200 I wanted to quit. I wanted to put down the rope and just not come back to the gym. Irrational I know.  But I was tired. Tired of seemingly being slower when I should be faster. Tired of trying to get it done when its clearly doing me in.  But I went back the next day.

It's Saturday and my torso is still achy.  I'm having to keep a bra on all day (t m i) because that muscle back there behind that breast tissue that I didn't know existed aches without that support.  But my torso feels tight and I'm still in it to win it. I'm down 18 lbs.

Guilty as Charged

My crime: mindless munching, binging on sweets

I caught myself today. Became completely aware of my own antics. My own self-sabotaging ways. I was walking around my class during a transition period and I grabbed 3 of these cookies to the left... when something told me to check the calories... 2 cookies are 160 calories!!!!! WHAT!!! So, yes I immediately put 2 of the 3 back. I'd already bit into one. Which it's crazy because i brought a snack to work for this very reason.  For this very thing, I had cheerios in a small glass container that's small enough to fit in my purse.  So, yes I have to be very aware of what I'm eating during the day when I'm at work, especially when i find my jaws moving and I'm not even hungry.

Oddly enough I was doing okay during the day yesterday, cooking meals of substance, no mindless snacking, no wasted calories- that's my phrase for candy, sweets, etc.  When I made a trip to walmart I picked up not one but two 8 count fun size packs of snickers... and I ate them... all... yesterday... when I shouldn't have wasted 2 dollars on them in the first place. But I did. So, I'm feeling it today.  I felt them this morning when i began my 21 day yoga challenge. The challenge I was supposed to start yesterday but was exhausted from resting all day. Go figure. And a post is coming about that shortly.  I think I'll do a weekly post about the 3 week challenge.

Anyway, I read something yesterday that caught my attention a guy on a blog somewhere in cyberspace referred to himself as a selectarian... saying he's selective about what he puts in his mouth, his body.  And I like that, so much more than saying I'm a clean eater, or pollotarian, or pescetarian.   It's a mind game I know lol, but if that keeps my engine going, I'll take it.

So, I can't change what I've eaten already, but I'm aiming to stick to my planned snacks and meals for the rest of the day.

Describe a recent Aha! moment. What sparked it?

My recent aha moment happened yesterday.  At 6:30 something... I've been working out for a year and some months at this point.  This can be daunting based on the fact that I haven't lost much weight at all.  I go to a boxing gym Mon-Thursday for roughly 40 minutes or more.  While others lose, i seem to stay the same. Sometimes I don't want to tell people I go to the gym, cause they give me the side eye. But I do go and I love it!   My aha moment was in the mental imagery i have of myself. When I think of myself smaller I realized I don't actually envision  myself smaller. Mentally I limit the change that can take place because i'm afraid.

Afraid of the unknown possibilities of being smaller, healthier and smaller. My personality is already "fresh to death" and getting better lol.  But mentally I block myself.

I'm scared people will "like" me more, not because of the authenticity of who I am, but because my weight has changed. I'm scared people will "think" I'm cuter/prettier, not because my inner light is beaming, but because my weight has changed. I'm scared people will "assume" I'm someone they want to get to know, not because my personality is already contagious lol, but because my weight has changed.

And that makes me afraid, but not afraid enough to not do what I'm trying to do.  So, after my aha moment of "what are you doing to yourself" happened, I've decided to just put on the big girl panties (not literally) and make the changes I need to, to get where I'm trying to go.  I'll be back to meal planning this week and experimenting with cooking once again... lol. Haven't decided if I want to catalog my food via photos or paper just yet... but that [food] is my nemesis... but I got this! I'm in it to win it!