Flow

Life was momentarily halted at the end of May for me with the death of a friend, the loss of an acquaintanceship staging itself as a friendship and then going through the dreaded coworkers stirring your name through any mud they can find to put you in.  It's hard losing people. It's hard losing friends. Especially when it's unexpected. But people serve different purposes in our lives and when it's done, it's done. Such as it were, I had to deal with that, and then move on.

I am not what people say about me. To the degree that however they feel about me or my actions is completely accurate, because it's not. An opinion is an opinion, we ourselves give truths to those things.  I get upset when people lie on me and try to disguise their intent. But then I had to be upset with me, for ignoring all the signs that were there. But it taught me that I'm lacking with my own Spirit of discernment. That I have to separate the areas of my life. It's not to say I can't have dual relationships. But I'll be very cautious with that from now on.

Also, for anyone whose grieved before, everyone grieves differently. So, think about it twice before you try to tell someone how they should when you don't know how they cope with loss or what loss means for them.  At my church convention last week, the topic of compassion was brought up several times and I'm just so aware of things now, that I think I didn't pay attention to before. Things that I just didn't address or take in to account when dealing with other people.

But I needed that week away from my regular routine. So, that I could unearth my own possibilities and the courage to create a new routine, reinvent myself and just go with the flow. I control only me.

Small challenges of conversation

There is a steady trend lately I've noticed in my conversations and observations with other people. Sometimes I



don't hear what they say to me, when it clashes with my own beliefs and values or my internal alarms. I became acutely aware of this Tuesday night when a girlfriend and I were out eating at McAlisters and we met two seasoned ladies.  Now the time had with them was great, I left feeling rested. Surprisingly.  But they were female ministers and pastors.  And just from my own beliefs about that particular issue whenever they would say something about it, my internal noise would drown them out.  Shameful, I know. But I've noticed it in reading blog posts by other people and talking to some of my friends about differentiating views or things that I "see" in other ways.  So, being aware of it, I need to work on it.  I expect people to value different things, to have their own way of life, and just because it clashes with mine doesn't necessarily mean I have to give them a mental side-eye. It just means that we're different in some ways and that in itself is part of the spice of life.

Unplugged with Lauryn: A Beautiful Mess

Oddly enough I've been meaning to make this post for several days now but I hadn't. Thoughts have been swimming and intertwining so I can create this prose of random sense.  For the past 2 weeks, I kept having this feeling of being stuck in a rut.  You, might say the year just started and I would agree.  But I'm glad now since I've come on the other side, that all that has happened in the past two weeks did happen.  It needed to happen, so that I'd make a move.  Which, I found it totally encouraging that in church Sunday, my granddad was talking about what of course: Being stuck in a rut! And I was amazed, cause I knew I'd been feeling that way.  So, the first time this mood overtook me I pulled out Lauryn Hill's Unplugged album. And at the stage I'm in now, the lyrics were received new.  That trapped feeling of people not wanting you to just be you. Being expected to be on at all times and I just refuse to. I want to smile cause I want to, look sneaky even if I want to and not have to explain why. And I don't. lol. It actually put a spin on my perspective. Reminding me that I, like many other people, make things important that are not. But when I came out of that moment, I realized the cycle I had created for myself without knowing it.  The defeatist attitude, that half-caring attitude and that wasn't good.  I was just doing without love, without purpose and definitely without passion and I don't want to. I prefer to be one whose proactive instead of reactive.  So, I have to make a conscious effort to do so. This week, I took a day off.  Not because I was ill, thankfully.  But because I was mentally tired. Just drained. Thinking all the time about something or another.  And that day, I wanted to completely be free of my routine and therefore I did.  I went to the gym and had a laugh at myself... and laid down for most of the day.  Not sleeping, just laying. Praying, having a miniature consultation with God.  The clarity of the mess I'd made with myself was just slapping me in the face.  I didn't waste my day placing blame, but allowing it to be what it was. Truth. So, it refreshed me. It's done something to my meditation, my dealings with people, my dealings with myself and that's grand. Of course I've had some interruptions in my thinking process on my journey to being better even after this moment.  But, the thing now is to take some time out to be selfish, to just enjoy, to just love, to nourish and to be. To be kind, but truthful to myself.

JumpRope Memoirs: Self- Esteem Dream

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So... my thoughts have been inundated with self-appreciation at all levels.  The concept that regardless of size I have to make the best effort to treat myself well. The Evolution of Me project that I'm allowing to totally transform my life now is out of love for myself.  It's hard.  I won't even lie about that.  It's hard knowing that I'm going to fail often before I succeed. It's hard knowing that some people expect me to have a low view of myself because of weight. But I don't. A low self-esteem even. But I don't.  I don't however like when other people try to make me feel bad about it though. That's annoying. Some even assume I'm not taking care of myself because I'm fresh to death on that "heavy status".  Insert eye roll here. I work out hard, heavy, and intensely when I do. Because I want it to count. I've even *crossing my fingers* got a handle on mindless munching.  It's beyond irritating when some men think I should be glad that they are paying me attention.  Heck, he should be glad I was actually present in the moment, to notice he was paying me attention. But that could be a rant for another day and time.

Funny thing today I feel like I could be a writer. I'm not though. Just like I can sing, but I'm not a performer. I love to play with words, to put them together and make a coherent written thought. Even if it's vague.

For this week, for yoga I've just been practicing breathing.  Being conscious of the breath.  Meditating for a few moments in the morning.

Workouts: I almost didn't work out yesterday. Not because I was tired. Not because I was sore. My workout partner didn't want to.  But I did workout. I worked out because a friend from the summer morning crew was there to put me on blast. It just reminded me that I do it for me. If I had missed, I'd feel bad today knowing that school is dismissing early for a snow day and I may not get a chance to go to the gym.  I even want to go today because we're doing punches lol. My lesson in that: I can only expect me to go and work. Because my partner may decide she doesn't want to at all. I can't use that as an excuse to derail myself.

In due time...

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Funny thing. I planned to post yesterday. It didn't happen. Just like I've been meaning to finish my 31 day reset.  It didn't happen either.  Sometimes life intervenes and some times I'm just unproductive.  So, I'm doing it now while my students complete their morning activities. This post is an update more or less of what has been going on and what hasn't.

What sparked this bubbling inside of me was a mildly upsetting occurrence with my sorority sisters. I won't go into that. Whatever the case was it was apparently necessary to remind me of what my motto has become for my life.  And I wasn't doing that. I wasn't living that motto. I was about to back down to some foolishness. Which most people who know me, know that's not me. I don't mind necessary confrontation.  But after thinking about my motto: live a life with love, purpose and passion, I nipped that other situation in the bud. I don't like people trying to tamper with my joy.  That's just foul. lol.

Anyway, that led to this other discovery that one of my guy friends we have a beautiful friendship. The love shared there is heavy.  Sigh. Now why would this even be important?  Because we take love: the capacity of it, the ability to share it, the power to accept it: for granted.  And he shows me my ability to willingly give it without expectation.  And as we texted, I could only smile as he engaged me in my randonmess.

The writing collabo project I've actually gotten one poem out for it.  And another poem for something completely different.  And I have til the end of February. I'll get it done.  My creativity is starting to flow again and I'm letting it escape as it wishes.

My yoga practice has been adjusted to a 3 day thing and not an everyday thing.  I'm commitment phobic.  Committing to everyday seemed a bit much as was apparently too much for my schedule at the time. So, the 21 day yoga challenge, was a fail in the sense of practicing everyday, but a success in getting me in to me more.  Making me more in tuned to my body, my breath, and I'll take that.

So, the picture means  that there are changes ahead as I learn me more, as I do me more, as I love me more. And I'm all for it. I think the hardest problem I have is just getting started, but I'm ready.

31 Day Reset: Day 7, 8

Day 7: Write your ideal life narrative

I am living in Monroe, La. in a townhouse with a spacious kitchen and bathroom in the Garden District.  I read for an hour daily for pleasure.  I travel twice a year, once with immediate family to Valdosta, Ga in the summer and once with friends to other locations such as New York, Las Vegas, D.C., Orlando, Atlanta, Memphis but not limited to these in the fall. I have a grand time each time.  I attend my family reunion in May and I am in contact with my siblings weekly.  I make contact with long distance friends once a month at least.  I have random get togethers at my place or at a restaurant with close friends just to celebrate friendship.  I have a healthy, handsome romantic partner who is a complement to me.  Our union is dynamic.  We are supportive of each other in our life journeys.  I am an educator of the young.  I teach Kindergarten but reach the masses from pre-K to 5th grade.  I am a cheerleader for others lacking in self-esteem and confidence.  Empowering them to believe in themselves and their gifts.  I sing at special events at my church and engagements with a neo-soul vibe. I have written several best -selling educational books on educating kids within poverty as well as published a collaboration project of erotic short stories and poetry. I have an advanced degree in education.  I attend conferences to further my skills as a teacher. I attend professional developments that are pertinent to my work with 5 and 6 year olds. I participate in book studies that are of interest to me.  I take continuing education courses on whatever is of interest to me: yoga, photography, scrapbooking, etc. I attend several paid workshops during the year that support my income.  I am debt free,  with a great credit score.  I have started paying cash or using my debit card for everything.  My living fund accounts are abundant and growing: 6 month living, emergency and travel.   I am fit and healthy. I get yearly check-ups and I am wearing a size healthy 16. I eat clean and exercise four days out of the week. I participate in half marathons once a year and I am an avid at home practicing yogi. I start my day meditating and getting in line with God and I end my day in prayer.  It gives me balance throughout the day.  I am surrounded by positive thoughts, people and things.

Day 8: Reflect, Comment and Connect

• What was the most important thing you learned about yourself this week? That I needed to work on my routine. And actively make time to do each assignment.  To be honest with myself even when the mirror was showing me something I didn't like.


• What has been your favorite exercise so far? Making the mission statement was the best exercise to me.  I felt so empowered after I'd gotten it finished because it made these dreams seem that much more in reach.


• Which exercise did you struggle with the most and why? Seeing my values in action.  I didn't know what they looked like and it was hard to envision some with 3 actions.

Random #4: mama's girl, acceptance, and other things

sometimes family will deter your dreams. or they will push you harder to achieve them.

I'm sure some of you have already come to this grand conclusion. But I realized this during my time off. After visiting my family and just observing what was happening, I was amazed by how removed I was from it all. Disturbed as well. I am iffy on the family bonding thing. Why? If it messes with my flow, I can't be a part of it. Which probably upsets everyone else.  I realized during a visit it was messing with my thinking, messing with the peace I was trying to achieve.  Knowing that I was in a place of not wanting to talk even during the holidays, being around people wasn't really a good thing.  I have a knack for saying things that lead to troublesome consequences. This Christmas holiday was no different. Except this time it led to some confrontation with my mom, which led to her throwing negatives vibes on me. I love my mom. I really do and after I shed my tears and wiped my face I had a moment of clarity:  I have to accept people wherever they are in their lives.

For one, where I am in my life has no direct bearing on what someone else is doing. I just get annoyed with others trying to press their issues on me. I can't deal, because I don't have to or want to.  I stress myself out enough without help.  What does all this have to do with family and dreams, goals etc.  let's see:  Usually a confrontation with my mom is going to end somewhere with these types of phrases: You're selfish. If you don't benefit from it, you can't be bothered. You're priorities are in the wrong place.  You act like you can't miss going to the gym. Now being that I'm close to my mom and have felt for the longest time she's all I have in the world, after God, these comments would always leave me confused and feeling horrible. Why? Because, I was internalizing all that negative bs. Thinking that everyone saw me that way because my mama saw me that way.  Through growth i know it hurt me because it came from my mama. My daddy wouldn't talk to me that way and my siblings are as supportive as the place they are in their own lives allows them to be.

But I think a switch clicked or something because I began to flip these phrases in my head as I began to see, my mama loves me dearly, but she's in a different place than I am right now. Where she is has her in that type of mind frame and where I am isn't there. I have been a complainer, a negative inflicter in the past, but I'm not there anymore and refuse to let other people take me there.  Am I completely over getting into with my mom, yes lol. Why waste time fretting over it? it's already happened. Was everything said that needed to be said. Apparently so.

It served it's purpose. My eyes are wide open.