Random #4: mama's girl, acceptance, and other things

sometimes family will deter your dreams. or they will push you harder to achieve them.

I'm sure some of you have already come to this grand conclusion. But I realized this during my time off. After visiting my family and just observing what was happening, I was amazed by how removed I was from it all. Disturbed as well. I am iffy on the family bonding thing. Why? If it messes with my flow, I can't be a part of it. Which probably upsets everyone else.  I realized during a visit it was messing with my thinking, messing with the peace I was trying to achieve.  Knowing that I was in a place of not wanting to talk even during the holidays, being around people wasn't really a good thing.  I have a knack for saying things that lead to troublesome consequences. This Christmas holiday was no different. Except this time it led to some confrontation with my mom, which led to her throwing negatives vibes on me. I love my mom. I really do and after I shed my tears and wiped my face I had a moment of clarity:  I have to accept people wherever they are in their lives.

For one, where I am in my life has no direct bearing on what someone else is doing. I just get annoyed with others trying to press their issues on me. I can't deal, because I don't have to or want to.  I stress myself out enough without help.  What does all this have to do with family and dreams, goals etc.  let's see:  Usually a confrontation with my mom is going to end somewhere with these types of phrases: You're selfish. If you don't benefit from it, you can't be bothered. You're priorities are in the wrong place.  You act like you can't miss going to the gym. Now being that I'm close to my mom and have felt for the longest time she's all I have in the world, after God, these comments would always leave me confused and feeling horrible. Why? Because, I was internalizing all that negative bs. Thinking that everyone saw me that way because my mama saw me that way.  Through growth i know it hurt me because it came from my mama. My daddy wouldn't talk to me that way and my siblings are as supportive as the place they are in their own lives allows them to be.

But I think a switch clicked or something because I began to flip these phrases in my head as I began to see, my mama loves me dearly, but she's in a different place than I am right now. Where she is has her in that type of mind frame and where I am isn't there. I have been a complainer, a negative inflicter in the past, but I'm not there anymore and refuse to let other people take me there.  Am I completely over getting into with my mom, yes lol. Why waste time fretting over it? it's already happened. Was everything said that needed to be said. Apparently so.

It served it's purpose. My eyes are wide open.

Random #3: project me

Today I redid my vision board. Gave it more order. More functionality. More purpose. Haven't decided yet whether I want to post a picture or not. Not sure I want to be that vulnerable to people I don't know. But there will be several post following this one later tonight and probably tomorrow as there are several topics I want to discuss, put my spin on, and just share my thoughts on. One of the biggest ideas, goals I have for myself is to live in love. I've been off two weeks, dissecting, purging, thinking and consuming and I ended with that. Living in love. Doing things in love. Regardless of what it may be, doing it with love. So, we shall see what that will produce.

Random #2: Declutter : Action

For the past 4 days, I was on a mission to declutter my space. It started I think after I read some blogs about yoga and then some blogs about minimalism. I am not a minimalist by any means. I'm researching yoga, because I want to integrate it into my life as part of my meditation time, my prayer time, my God time.

I'm not even sure how I came across the subject of minimalism... not the art style, the lifestyle.  But I liked the idea of only having things I use, cutting down my consumption and also getting rid of things that I don't use, wear, etc.

It could have also started with me re-reading the book "Better Than" by Leslie Esdaile. Which is about a woman doing an overhaul on herself before the new year and it inspires me into action whenever I read it.  Whatever the case is, something struck a chord and got me moving.

So what did I do in the process of 4 days or 3 and 1/2 days:  Change the furniture around in each room to change the flow of energy and it feels welcoming.  I boxed clothes and shoes from my closets and dressers to be given away. I bagged teddy bears to be given away. Sorted through my paper books and kept only the ones that I know I'll read again because I've probably already read them twice or more. I have a bin of books that I'll either be giving away or selling( do i really want to bother with that?)  I went through a bin of paper and had started the file of miscellaneous and important papers. I've tossed so much in the trash, so many things to be shredded. 

What I learned in the process was that I was attached to many of those things for various reasons. Not wanting to get rid of a suit because it belonged to my grandmother. It wasn't even that I could fit the thing, because I couldn't and still can't. It's just the fact that it was hers. The paper trail, I couldn't even remember what was in where if that tells you anything.  When, I began to go through the books, it was more the attachment of "it's a book, you don't get rid of a book". Craziness, I know. Keeping cards because someone sent it to me or gave it to me, some without a personalized message. But I'd packed these things up from my college apt and moved them to my real world apartment for no reason whatsoever.  

I haven't finished completely due to holiday travel. But I'm on the move, so I plan to get it done.  In the upcoming week I plan to do several things: finish that project, search for my year coming motto, start my at home yoga/meditation sessions, start a Healthy Hair in 2011 challenge with this Flyy Sistah here http://www.moptopmaven.blogspot.com/ ,read feeds, read period and just enjoy being. 

So to all, Happy Holidays.  Take Care and Be Safe.

Live. Love. Laugh.